Backstop
by KeepSaying
Summary: Backstop - something or someone that provides dependable support or protection against failure or loss. Or: Kurt realizes he doesn't have to deal with it all on his own. Kurt-centric One-Shot.


**A/N:** So, it's my birthday and I took the day off from studying and ended up writing Kurt- centric, which I find pretty hard to do. I did enjoy writing this, though, so let me know what you think :) x

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Kurt Weller had never been particularly patient man.

Before a certain baby girl had come into his life he couldn't have imagined sitting still for longer than an hour without doing at least something. He was a man of action, always had been and always would be.

Sitting still felt like letting the world move past him, watching as a mere bystander without putting his mark on it. It made him feel like he wasn't in control and, god, did he hate not being the one at the steering wheel.

His constant urge to move, to act, to help, to change what little of the world he could had only ever been cancelled out by Jane's calm nature, pulling him back into bed on a lazy weekend when he had just considered going for a run because he felt himself starting to fidget, and by Bethany's pleading eyes that could make him do about anything.

 _You know, sometimes it's okay to just do nothing. You can't save everyone all the time. Sometimes you need to take care of yourself, too._

Except he felt that he should be able to save everyone all the time. At least the people that mattered the most.

Kurt Weller also had his share of anger management issues.

All his life he had tried to keep it under wraps, scared of becoming the man he had sworn himself he would never turn into – his father. Whenever he felt his vision turn red with unadulterated rage, he backed away from everyone he cared about, scared of snapping and lashing out at them.

It had always been hard, being in a relationship where he had to be careful, had to keep himself behind closed doors because he was too afraid to hurt someone because he couldn't control the fury that tended to take up part of his chest and eat him alive from the inside.

Jane had changed that, too.

She was smart enough to read the signs and strong enough to walk right past all his barriers until she found the burning knot in his heart, taking her time to gently, patiently untangle the strands until his anger was little more than a pile of twine. No one was scared of a little twine. Twine couldn't control how he was feeling, it didn't have that kind of power. It was just twine.

The place in him that had always been reserved for constant suppressed anger, had slowly gotten smaller the longer she had fought it on his behalf, making room for something better – peace. He'd never had peace, true peace, before Jane came along and, if he was being honest, not for a long time after that either.

It was refreshing, cleansing and made him hopeful.

And it came all tumbling down.

-.-

He had been sitting down for way too long, copped up in a room that felt to sterile to spend so much time in, accompanied by a constant beeping that seemed too cold to belong to a heart.

Still, he stayed.

Couldn't fathom leaving what felt like the only thing keeping him in this world, keeping him in this reality and away from the scarp in his mind that became more dangerous and powerful every day he spent here.

It wasn't twine this time.

The rage inside of him had taken on a new form and he didn't know how to handle it anymore.

Jane would've found a way to sooth the heavy stones that bode his impending doom into a castle that would protect him from it. With her soft voice he knew she would've been able to make something beautiful out of his fear, crushing the stones until they were nothing more than grains of sand that would warm their feet on a warm summer day.

But Jane wasn't here right now. At least not in the way that mattered, in a way where she could chase all his worries away with a single smile.

No, Jane hadn't smiled in five days and he didn't know if she would ever smile again.

The doctor had told him her body was taking its time to heal properly and that she would come back to them when she was ready.

The lingering _if_ had hung between them but Kurt had been too scared to address it, too afraid that the answer would be the final push over the growing cliff and he didn't know if he would survive the fall. So instead he had simply nodded and turned back to Jane, telling her everything that came to mind and then some more. He told her he loved her countless times but he knew she wouldn't mind.

After two days he had started begging, crying into the hand he clung to that, for the first time in forever didn't cling back at him.

His sadness had turned into staggering helplessness soon after and with the loss of control came the anger.

Anger at himself and his fate. Anger at Jane for being reckless, even though she really hadn't been. Anger at their friends for staying and for the doctor for leaving. Anger at the world for not ending when it felt to him that it should have.

"Kurt?", a voice pulled him out of his thoughts but he didn't dare look up, the raging monster inside his chest clawing his way out to rear its ugly head at the blonde genius standing in the doorway, hands rested tenderly on the handle.

"You need to take a shower", Patterson told him firmly, taking a step forward without realizing how dangerously close he was to losing the last bit of control he had over the _red_ in his body. "I've got you a change of clothes and Tasha ordered something to eat for all of us. Her and Reade are waiting outside. I'll stay with her until you're back. I haven't told her about Rich's latest stunt yet, she's gonna wanna hear about this, believe me."

He wanted to protest and snap at her that Jane wouldn't care and that he didn't either, that he just wanted her back and he didn't need a shower or food when he couldn't have her. He had half a mind to just spill all of it out, some deep buried part knowing exactly how he could hurt her enough to get her to back off.

Before he could open his mouth, though, a small hand fell on his shoulder, giving him a tight squeeze pushing him into a standing position, taking his seat instead and it was all he could do to nod and do as he was told.

The push had made a crack in the solid scarp that his mind had built up and he wasn't sure whether that meant it would come tumbling down on him or if it meant hope. He didn't want to stay to figure it out, either, didn't want to hurt his friend when he would undoubtedly lose control over the monster inside of him.

When he stepped out, Tasha and Reade entered the room, both carrying food and games and a bright hope that was so different from what he was feeling that it knocked the wind out of him when they shot him a smile and told him they'd see him in a bit.

He went through the motions of cleaning and dressing himself without putting his mind into, without thinking about much of anything at all. It kept the anger in him at bay because he denied the nourishment it needed to take over. It was all the fight he had left in him and it wasn't even a fight at all.

From still a few feet away he could hear the quiet laughter coming from Jane's room that sounded so full of life that he couldn't help but get his hopes up. They crumbled and got scattered like ash in the wind when he rounded the corner but something else made him stop.

Patterson was sitting in his old chair, with a new empty one standing next to her, a little closer to Jane, while Tasha and Reade had taken their places on the opposite side of the bed, already digging into the Thai food and telling Jane all about their day. They laughed and joked and when Kurt even thought of refusing the food, Patterson simply rolled her eyes and poked him with her fork before shoving the box at him.

Slowly he started eating, joining the conversation every once in a while when the others demanded his input and he felt himself relax bit by bit. Gratefulness taking over the glowing red lump.

Maybe, he thought to himself, maybe they wouldn't manage to make something beautiful out of the beast inside of him like Jane could. But, looking around now he knew with utmost certainty that these people, his _family_ , would at least manage to wreck the cliff into smaller, more manageable pieces that he would be able to climb with their help.

They would always have his back. And Jane's, too.

For now, that had to be enough.


End file.
